Writing Resources from Fifteen Minutes of Fiction

Tragedy In The Channel 57 Newsroom

"On in five...four...three...two..."

"Good evening," I said. "This is Channel 57 News, bringing you all the latest breaking news from East Westburg - the town whose name proves that our founding fathers weren't the brightest bulbs in the box. I'm Matt Welcomb..."

"And I'm Art Gallery. Tonight on the Channel 57 News, there's a serial killer loose in town, a giant tidal wave coming in from the Atlantic, an alien spacecraft has landed in Washington DC, and a big pile of thermonuclear weapons has just been detonated over Trenton, New Jersey."

"But before we get to all those stories," I said, "let's deal with the important stuff. The Red Sox have won game two of the World Series, which some say is proof that the end of the world is near..."

Suddenly I heard a giant roaring sound, and Art and I were instantly coated with a sticky, wet, slimy substance.

Art looked at me and said, "Was that the tidal wave?"

I shook my head in disgust.

"Cut!" a booming voice called out from overhead. I peeked out from the tiny box which was our news room set. I wish they didn't have to shrink us down to this size in order to fit us in everyone's television sets.

I glared at the producer. "Bob," I said, "If you have to sneeze, could you PLEASE turn your head away?"

Aliens In Trenton, New Jersey

"Good evening," I said. "This is Channel 57 News, bringing you all the latest breaking news from East Westburg - the town whose name proves that our founding fathers weren't the brightest bulbs in the box. I'm Matt Welcomb..."

Art glared at me.

"What?" I said.

"You ALWAYS say that. It's the dumbest joke in the whole universe and you ALWAYS say it."

"Nuh uh," I said.

"When have you NOT said, it then?"

"I didn't say Nuh uh I don't always say it, I said Nuh uh, it's not the dumbest joke in the world."

"Universe, not world, dummy." Art said.

"The world is IN the universe, dummy."

"You're the dummy."

"Nuh uh. Your mamma's the dummy."

"Don't call my mom a dummy."

"Your mamma is such a dummy she made the dumbest joke in the whole universe."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh. She made YOU."

"Are you calling me dumb?"

"No, dummy, I'm calling you a dumb joke."

"I know you are, but what am I?"

"You're so dumb you think IQ stands for Inferiority Quomplex"

"Complex isn't spelled with a Q, stupid."

I grinned. "Exactly my point, moron."

Suddenly Bob's voice interrupted us. "Boys," he said from off camera, "We really need to get out the word about the alien invasion - would you mind saving your argument for your OWN time?"

Art turned to face the camera. "And I'm Art Gallery. Tonight on the Channel 57 News, we regret to inform you that aliens have taken over Trenton, New Jersey."

"You're the alien," I muttered under my breath.

"Oh yeah?" he muttered back at me. "You're Trenton, New Jersey."

Santa Visits Roswell and Area 51

Dear Santa,

I'm Matt Welcomb, with Channel 57 News out of East Westburg. Channel 57 is doing a spot about UFO's, and we were wondering if you'd like to comment on the following statement made by an unnamed high ranking government official:

Our agencies have conclusively determined that during eleven months of the year, a fat, irresponsible little aviator in a red jumpsuit, riding a flying elk-like creature with a glowing nose, does low fly-bys over the Bermuda Triangle, Roswell New Mexico, and Area 51. We suspect this is a part of a practical joke designed to strike fear in the hearts of the citizenry. However, we at {agency name removed for national security reasons} take such issues very seriously.

Specifically, we would like to ask you to respond to the following questions:

1. Are they referring to you?
2. If so, do you have any objections to the designation "irresponsible"?
3. Also, how does Rudolph feel about being referred to as an elk?
4. Finally, Are you concerned about reprisals from our government, foreign governments, or extra-terrestrial governments?

Thank you for your time.

Gratefully,
Matt Welcomb
Channel 57 News

ps: Instead of coal, I'd like to have a chunk of real kryptonite for Christmas this year.



Dear Mr. Welcomb,

Thank you for contacting the North Pole. Unfortunately at this time Santa is unable to respond to your inquiries, as he and his lawyer are held up with some legal disputes on planet Xyxiquiglion.

Merry Christmas
Mrs. Claus

ps: You haven't been that good this year.

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