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Fee Fi Fo Fum!: A retelling of the tale of Jack and the Beanstalk, in which Jack's mother plays a larger role
Posted by Michael K, May 13, 2008. 13222 views. ID = 1294

Fee Fi Fo Fum!

Posted by Michael K, May 13, 2008. 13222 views. ID = 1294
This post was written in 14 minutes.
This post has been awarded 95 stars by 23 readers.

There were two primary problems in my life. While you might think they were minor issues, I assure you, they were quite significant to me. The first of my problems was this: my mother was impossible to please. Nothing I ever did satisfied her. Last week, for instance, she sent me to market to sell our cow. Along the way I met a man who offered me five magic beans in exchange for the animal.

Magic beans, I tell you!

But was mother impressed? No! She simply threw them out the window and gave me the most severe scolding of my life. When the beans grew into a giant beanstalk, even that didn't satisfy her. She just said, "Well, can we milk it? Can we buy food with it? I don't think so."

There's just no pleasing her.

The other major issue in my life is this: giants are lousy poets. I discovered this after climbing the magic beanstalk and stealing the giant's golden goose. There is not much in this life more disconcerting than racing through a castle while being chased by a giant, but one thing that is worse is being chased by a giant who is repeatedly screaming:

Fee Fi Fo Fum!
I smell the blood of an Englishman!

I'm not much of a poet myself, but even I know that it would have to be Fee Fi Fo Fan to rhyme with Englishman! For some reason, however, I could not gather together enough courage to stop and explain this to the giant.

Later in the day, as I sat in my room, petting my golden goose, I was reminded of that old adage about killing two birds with one stone. While I had no intention of killing my goose, it occurred to me that, with one simple action on my part, I could solve both of my major life problems.

"Mother," I called out.

"What?" she snapped back with that nasty, impatient tone of voice.

"When I was up in the giant's castle, I found a magic potion that'll keep a woman young and beautiful forever!"

"Did you bring it down?"


"Well go get it, then!"

"Go get it yourself, mother."

Now I sit here all alone in peace and quiet, enjoying my golden eggs. Well, it's not entirely quiet. Far above my head I hear the faint screams of a terrified woman, accompanied by a rumbling bass voice that declares:

Fee Fi Fo Fum!
I smell the blood of an English Mum!

Ah, music to my ears.

Copyright 2008 Michael K. All rights reserved. has been granted non-exclusive rights to display this work. For permission to reprint this item, please contact the author.

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This post has been awarded 95 stars by 23 readers.
This post is part of a writing prompt: Famous Tales Revisited
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Josiah T.
May 13, 2008
   ~Posted by Josiah T., May 13, 2008

May 14, 2008
Hahaha...very clever and well written!
   ~Posted by Isaac, May 14, 2008

Aug 11, 2008
A really nice piece. Bravo!
   ~Posted by clayman, Aug 11, 2008

KC Rell
Sep 15, 2008
LOL! I loved it!
   ~Posted by KC Rell, Sep 15, 2008

Oct 26, 2009
Hmm. Tasty.
   ~Posted by Boy, Oct 26, 2009

Ari James
Jun 26, 2010
   ~Posted by Ari James, Jun 26, 2010

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